This article contains as few spoilers as possible. Promise.
Vivi and I both own the 2014 movie Kill Your Darlings, which says a lot about its quality since we’re constantly trading DVDs back and forth anyway. It’s a pretentious, smart, queer film about the beat generation’s great poets. Also, it stars Daniel Radcliffe and Dane DeHaan and, well. Sometimes I’m painfully straight.
You could probably watch the movie ten times and still discover annoyingly smart quotes that you didn’t pay attention to before, but since the first time I’ve watched it, one of DeHaan’s lines has burned itself into my memory:
It’s said in a heartbreaking scene which I won’t describe here in order to avoid spoilers for the most part, but the gist is this: Lucien Carr, DeHaan’s character, is presented from the beginning as a shameless, wild, young student who Radcliffe’s Allen Ginsberg looks up to. Think Manic Pixie Dream Girl. He jumps at every opportunity to start new relationships, new projects, new lives – only to discard them as soon as difficulties or more interesting alternatives come up. The quote marks a point where Lu admits to this behaviour in a self-deprecating way, and, honestly-
I just feel this so hard.
We all know how hard it is not to give up on something. Whether it’s a relationship, your education, a novel or going vegan – in my experience, everything you do that takes up time in your life creates the same problem: after a few weeks or months, after the initial excitement wears off, there will come a phase where everything is just hard and you’ll want to quit.
Basically, if you learn overcome this, you succeed in life.
Now, I don’t do this as extremely often as Lu. (Thank God.) But as somebody who has hardly ever completed anything that I’ve written other than a few short stories, I feel like this quote describes me as a writer.
But there’s also this: I’ve thought about Lucien Carr as he is presented in the movie, and here is what I’ve come up with.
He’s an idiot. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the guy was probably a genius and everything and he had a freaking hard life if only the things you see in Kill Your Darlings are true, but at least in the film, he’s also an idiot. Chickening out of life whenever it gets hard is basically the number one reason why people don’t achieve their dreams, and just because he admits to doing so while wearing Dane DeHaan’s pretty face doesn’t mean it isn’t his own fault.
Maybe I’m too hard on him because I can identify with his words so much. That guy’s life sure sucks, so I can also see why he does what he does. I just wanted to prove that I know what it takes for me to achieve what I want to achieve, I guess.
What I’m saying is that I’m taking Lu as example what I won’t do and, thus, I won’t give up on this blog. Why? Because it’s something I really want to do. And because I can’t keep reading other people’s blogs and get jealous of what they’re doing without even trying it out myself. And even though I know that I won’t want to continue doing this at some point, I know that I can overcome that with nothing but willpower and a few butt kicks from Vivi.
Also, has anybody else noticed that Daniel Radcliffe looks more like Harry Potter in this movie than he ever did in the Harry Potter movies? Just sayin’.